Alex in Wonderland
by MadHatter 17
Summary: This is a parody of Alice in Wonderland that RadioactiveSquirl and I wrote last summer out of sheer insanity from the heat of summer and lack of sleep; that should explain its weirdness. It involves my friends as the characters & lots of inside jokes.


Alex in Wonderland

By, MadHatter 17 and RadioactiveSquirl

Disclaimer: We do not own Alice in Wonderland or whatever. We don't own MadHatter's friends who are mentioned in here either.

"I don't want to sing" Alex complained to the maid brushing his short brown hair. 

"We'll have none of that young man," the maid said annoyed with his complaining." 

"And of all things I have to sing 'Sometimes' by that stupid lady Brittany Spears." Alex continued to complain." 

"Stop this nonsense right now," the maid yelled hitting him with the hair brush.

"Whets going on in here?" Alex's mother ran in. 

"I don't want to sing" Alex pouted folding his arms." 

"You know how much this means to your father and I, everyone at our tea party is so anxious to hear you sing, but we wont make you sing if you really don't want to." She rubbed his head once and exited the room. 

The maid also left, giving Alex a "you wuss" look as she walked out. Alex stuck out his tongue. 

"Stupid maid, hit me with the hair brush." He rubbed his head a little to feel a small bump where he had been hit." What should I do Dina?" he asked his small kitten. "To sing or not to sing?....... What am I saying? I'm talking to a cat." 

He walked over to the window to look out onto the yard where the tea party was in progress. 

"How do they expect me to sing in front of all these people?" Alex thought. He walked over to the back door. "Perhaps if I run away for a while, they wont make me sing, well of course not because I wont be here to sing, then I'll come back once the party is over," he thought to himself with a smile. 

So he began to run, he ran as far as he could to a large willow tree far from the house. He lied down to rest awhile when all of a sudden he heard some one shout 

"I'm late, I'm late." He looked up to see who it was." I know you," he yelled. The figure turned to look at him. 

"You're Nathan." Alex accused. " No sir you are wrong, my name is the white rabbit, but no time for that. I'm late" and with that the white rabbit ran off. 

Suspicious and curious as to where his friend was off to, he followed him to a large tree with a large knothole in the bottom. Big enough for a rabbit or person to fit though. 

"I wonder where this curious looking hole leads to." Alex climbed into the hole after the white rabbit (which really wasn't white, he was in a pink bunny suit!). as soon as had climbed into the hole he fell 100 feet really really fast then he started to slow down. He looked around as he smoothed out his shirt, which had been riding up his stomach. He saw weird things floating around in the long vertical tunnel where gravity seemed kinda screwed up. He marveled at the floating anvils and jars of stuffed pig's feet among other bizarre wonders. 

"This is most odd." Alex imitated an Indian accent. "Oh wow," he continued," I like this accent better than my fake British one." Then all of a sudden he landed in a pile of leaves at the end of the tunnel. "My butt hurts" Alex complained. "These leaves aren't as soft as they look." 

"Oh I'm late, dreadfully late." Alex heard echo from inside where ever he was. It was a strange room where the floor looked like the ceiling and the ceiling looked like the floor. The floor (or was it the ceiling?) was checkered black and white like a chessboard.

"I'm late, I'm late." The pink rabbit said running past Alex. 

"Oh Nathan sir." Alex called out to the pink rabbit, who wasn't listening to his calls. 

The pink rabbit ran down the hallway to a large green door, went through, and left Alex on the ground with the leaves. Alex jumped to his feet and headed for the door. He opened it only to find a smaller brown one. After opening that one, an even smaller red one. 

"This is stupid" Alex muttered. 

He opened the red door and found that it was almost too small for him to fit through. He squeezed through and found himself in a small circular room with seven other doors.

"How did that rabbit fit through that door." Alex thought looking at the small red door he had just came through. "He's fatter than I am." 

He turned to face the other seven doors. "Great now which one do I go through?" Alex complained, which was stupid because, come on who's gonna hear him? All of a sudden a green exit sign appeared over the smallest of all the doors, even the red one. "You've gotta be kidding me!" Alex exclaimed. 

Out of nowhere the pink rabbit came running in and ran past Alex, knocking him over, and ran through the small door with the exit sign. 

"Oh, now I really have to go in there, but how?" Alex said getting up. 

But as he stood up he heard a crunch under his feet. "What?" he looked under his shoes, only to find a cookie split in two. He could tell there was something written on the cookie, so he put the two pieces together to read it. It read: go to the table behind you. He turned to face a glass table with a bottle of something on it. He picked up the bottle and read the tag on it, which said drink, me. He looked carefully at the bottle, it was brown, he looked at the door, the frame was brown. What could this mean? He drank down the brown stuff. 

"Not bad" he began," taste like...what the heck?" he said looking at his arms, he had gotten tanner. "Hum, what is this stuff?" he asked turning to look at the table with the bottle. But wait! The table is way up there. He looked up to the top of the table. He had shrunken. "Hey now I can go through the door!" Alex said excited and yet baffled at what had just happened. 

He looked around and walked over to the door. He opened it to find a magenta wall.

"Well that's just great, isn't it?" Alex fumed angrily. 

He looked closer at the door and found a label in the corner. It read: "the self-tanning lotion will turn you into different colors. To get through this door you must go through the wall, but to go through the wall you must be the same color as it. Therefore, use the self-tanning lotion to become as the wall." 

Alex's jaw dropped when he realized he had just taken a big sip of self- tanning lotion. Then he read the fine print on the bottle of self-tanning lotion (which since he was very small, was really big.). It read: " do not drink, even though the label says to. If drunken, you will become so tan you will turn into a roast turkey and wild lions and chimpanzees will chase you for the rest of your life or until they catch you and eat you because you look like a roast turkey." 

When Alex read this, he started to cry." I don't want to turn into a roast turkey" he sobbed, his face tear stricken. 

He started to cry, and by "cry" we mean there were tears everywhere and they began to fill the room. Which was quite odd since he was really small. When he realized that he would soon drown in his own tears stopped and saw a box labeled "Magenta Really Big Mints." He pried the box lid off and licked one of the really big mints after he had climbed into the box. After doing so, his height shot up 35 feet. He hit his head on the ceiling and said a naughty word. (Which was chicken puff, but whatever). He reached down and picked up the now tiny bottle of self-tanning lotion and quickly poured some of the liquid on his body and clothes. Sure enough he and his clothes turned a magenta color. 

"Well, now I'm the same color as the door/wall thing but I'm too big to do through...WAY to big, man what do I do now?" Alex asked to nobody in particular since he was all alone anyways so it didn't really matter. 

So he sat down with a loud thump and pondered for a bit. 

"Think, think, think," he said to himself while tapping his head with his right fist. Then suddenly, a light bulb appeared over his head and lit up, along with his eyes. "I know." he said excitedly. "I'll ... " but the light went out before he could finish saying his idea. "Aw man!" he pouted. "I forgot my brilliant plan to get small again." So he continued to think and smack himself in the head. "Well, I guess since I drank the self-tanning lotion and shrank, maybe I'll just have a little sip this time and go through the door/wall thingy." 

So he tried it and sure enough he shrank again. But this time thousands of wild lions and chimpanzees appeared and started to chase him. Frightened, Alex ran screaming right smack into a wall. He shook himself off and continued to run and scream towards the door/wall thingy. As he got closer, he could feel the hot breath of the wild beasts on the back of this neck. He ran faster and closed his eyes, hoping he would go through the wall. Sure enough he went through it. But unfortunately, so did the wild lions and chimpanzees. On the other side was an ocean of what had been Alex's tears 'til they went through the door/wall to become an ocean. Alex swam as fast as he could to get away from the wild beasts but then he heard one cry. 

"Oh, now my mane's all wet," a lion said. 

"There are no trees to swing from," a chimp complained. 

Together the wild animals started to cry, which ended up making the ocean even larger and deeper. But because the beasts were crying not swimming they began to sink, or maybe they can breath under water, whatever, the point is they were under the water now. Alex continued to swim but quickly became tired. 

"Help!" he yelled as he swam. 

Then a fat bird sitting on a log came by; it was a dodo bird. 

"Hey, Mr. Dodo" Alex yelled. 

"Well that's not very nice." the bird called back.. 

"Can you help me?" Alex asked. 

"Help? Help you? A rude magenta thing? I'm afraid not." The bird replied stuffing his handkerchief up the sleeve of his coat, and he floated away on his log. 

"Now what do I do?" he thought. 

Then all of a sudden a huge tsunami swamped him up and almost drowned him. But he landed on, well, land. Alex started coughing up starfish. 

"What the heck?!" Alex said after coughing up the last starfish. "My throat hurts," he complained, feeling his throat. 

He walked up the sandy seashore he had landed on. 

"Oh it's you again," the dodo bird said seeing Alex walking towards him. "Well, you need to get dry, so you might as well join us." he invited. Alex looked around to see a group of fish and all the starfish he had coughed up dancing around a large bolder, which the dodo bird was standing on. 

"But the tide's coming in, it'll just get us all wet again." Alex said looking at the ocean. "How will that get us dry?" 

"I don't know that's your problem, but I have a fire up here," the dodo bird replied. 

As Alex walked up to the bolder to warm up by the fire, he saw something pink in the corner of his eye. He turned to look what was before in the corner of his eye to reveal the pink rabbit running up the seashore. 

"I'm late, I'm late!" the rabbit cried running into a block of wood at the top of the seashore. 

Alex ran to keep up with him, but got distracted by a sign that said, "You suck!!" on it. Alex frowned and continued running, but he had lost the pink rabbit.

"Where to go now?" Alex said out loud. 

"Where do you want to go?" a voice said behind him. 

Alex turned to see two guys, both wearing the same outfit, except on the hats that they both had, one said 'Dee' on it and the other said 'Dum'. 

"Hello." Alex greeted. 

"I'm Andrew Tweetle Dee," the first said. 

"And I'm Andy Tweetle Dum." The second spoke up. 

"Yeah, because he's the dumb one," Andrew snorted. 

Alex recognized them but didn't know why. 

"Well, nice to meet you." Alex said. 

"Oh, but you can't go now." Andy Tweetle Dee said.

"Who said I was going anywhere?" Alex asked. 

"He did." Andrew Tweetle Dee said pointing to Andy Tweetle Dum. 

"Yeah, so what. Got a got a problem with that little magenta man?" Andy Tweetle Dum asked. 

"What?! You want a piece of me?" Alex said challengingly. 

"Sure," Andrew said, "what do you taste like?" he questioned while grabbing Alex's hand and moving in to take a bite of his pinky finger. 

"Hey!" Alex exclaimed jerking his hand back. 

"Freak! You trying to eat me?" 

"Well," Andrew answered, "you asked if I wanted a piece of you and I said yes, thinking you meant that literally." 

But before Alex could say anything Andy said "Sit down for a minute there laddy-boy we have something to show you, don't we dear Andrew Tweetle Dee?"(In an Irish accent.) 

"Oh, yes!" exclaimed Andrew. "We have such a lovely surprise for you!" 

"But, you see," Alex tried to explain. "I'm in a bit of a rush." 

"Please, please, sit, sit." The Tweetle brothers said in unison. 

"Well," Alex mused," I do suppose I could spare a little time for your surprise." 

"Fabulous, darling." Andy exclaimed, "sit down then, pull up a chair and sit on the floor." 

Since Alex couldn't find a chair, he just sat on the floor any way. Andrew clapped twice and sock puppets appeared on the Tweetle's hands. One puppet was of a walrus in a penguin suit and another was of a man who was very rich looking. And on Andy's left hand were five clams, one on each finger. Andrew Tweetle Dee spoke up and said, "This is a little story we like to call 'The Walrus-Penguin dude and his Rich Guy friend'." 

"Once upon a clock, there where two friends walking along a seashore..." 

"which was odd because they were in Colorado." Andrew added, cutting off Andy. 

Andy frowned at Andrew for interrupting his story, then continued. "There was a walrus wearing a penguin suit, because he wanted to be a penguin for some reason, and his friend a rich guy. They were looking for the rich guy's limo, because they wanted to get off the seashore. But they had been traveling, or rather, searching for several days, three to be exact. So you can imagine how thirsty...." 

"And hungry" Andrew cut in again. 

Andy sighed and continued "they where. 'Water, water, every where and not a drop to drink.' The walrus cried. 'Oh yes my friend but we are surrounded by food, good chap.' The rich man enlightened him. ' Yes, but do you suppose this sand is any good, it looks quit grainy.' The walrus answered. 'Not the sand you fool' the rich man exclaimed 'you see we are by the ocean and the ocean has clams.' 'Oh I see ' the walrus began' then I'll just go down there and have a talk with them. Perhaps they'll have lunch with us.' So the walrus walked down the sandy seashore into the ocean. ' Hello' the little clams greeted him.' Hello' the walrus said in his most romantic voice. The little clams blushed and turned bright pink with embarrassment. (They are all girls, if you where wondering.) 'You see' the walrus continued still using his most romantic voice. 'I've got a little time on my hands, er, flippers, and I would love it if you would join me for lunch at this great restaurant I know that's just down the bank a little. What do ya girls say?' 'Don't listen to him he's just a freak in a penguin suit!' the mother clam warned. But they didn't listen, and so they followed the walrus up the seashore a restaurant the rich man had waiting for them. As the innocent clams read the menu the walrus and the rich man each rose an eyebrow, and ten seconds later there were clams no more. 'Well then' the rich man said wiping his mouth off with his napkin' let us have an octopus' and so the walrus entered the ocean again.... And you know what happens next. The End." Andy ended. 

"Interesting." Alex muttered. 

"So what did you think?" the Tweetles asked in unison. 

"Where did the restaurant come from?" he asked. 

"We don't know, but it doesn't really matter either it's just a story, any thing else?" Andrew answered. 

"So they ate the clams?" Alex asked. 

The two Tweetles lowered their heads and shook them, "Sadly, yes" Andy said. 

"Why? Why couldn't they have eaten lobster? Clams taste disgusting, Anyways I really must be going now. I heard your little story, now I must go." Alex said trying to leave. 

"Go where?" Andy asked stopping him. 

Alex took a long look at the two Tweetles. "Are you guys brother and sister...I mean brothers?" Alex corrected himself. 

"SISTERS?!!" Andy exclaimed. "We don't even look like sisters!" 

"I mean brothers." Alex repeated. 

"Yes, we are brothers." Andrew reassured Alex. 

"Well, I should go." Alex said walking away. 

"No wait!" Andy shouted. "You haven't heard the story about old Father William." 

And so with out warning the two brothers seated Alex. Andy started but Alex got up and left. The two Tweetles didn't even notice. Alex walked a while in the woods 'til he came to a small cottage. 

"That looks safe from all accounts of weird," he thought to himself. 

"MaryDan!" the pink rabbit yelled coming outside the little cottage. 

"The pink rabbit!" Alex exclaimed, and ran to the rabbit. 

"There you are MaryDan!" the pink rabbit yelled, "go inside and get my gloves, and be snappy about it." Alex frowned and walked inside the cottage, to get the gloves. 

"Who said you were the boss of me?" he yelled after the pink rabbit as he had entered the cottage. 

"Watch it bud or I might forget to pay you on Friday." The pink rabbit threatened. Alex muttered another naughty word and attempted to search for the gloves. 

While looking around the top room in the cottage, he saw a small container on the nightstand. 

"Hmm, this looks interesting. I wonder what's in here," Alex wondered. 

He picked up the container and opened it. Inside was some cottage cheese. But instead of being white like normal cottage cheese, it was purple. 

"Curiouser and curiouser," Alex marveled at the purple cottage cheese. "Oh, I get it," he laughed. "Cottage cheese ha ha, cottage cheese. And I'm inside a cottage. Ha ha ha ha. I wonder if it tastes any different than normal cottage cheese since it's purple." 

So Alex scooped out some of the cheese up with his fingers. He licked the cheesy substance off his hand. "Mmm, Mmm!" he said. "Tasty goodness." 

Then, all of a sudden, he started to turn purple and so did his clothes. He also started to grow very large. 

"Not this again." He cried." And now I'm purple! I liked being magenta better." 

He kept growing and growing. Soon his arms where out the windows, his right leg in an odd position with his foot up the chimney and his left leg out the back door. 

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" the pink rabbit screeched. 

"What are you complaining about you stupid rabbit, you're not the one stuck." Alex yelled." Oh, how will I get out here." 

"Bob, jolly good man Bob," the dodo bird sang as he past the pink rabbit's house. 

"Mr. Dodo bird, sir," the pink rabbit called. "Can you help me, there's a purple people eater in my house, oh please help." 

"What's the problem then?" the dodo bird asked. 

"There's a purple people eater in my house! And he's gonna eat me and ruin my house," the pink rabbit explained. 

"How's that a problem?" the dodo bird asked. 

"It's not?" the rabbit said. 

"Of course not, you're not a people, so why would the purple people eater want to eat you?" the dodo bird explained. 

The pink rabbit looked confused. 

"And to fix your house problem, just burn it down, then you don't have to be bothered by the monster or the house." 

"What?! No, all that furniture is my grandmother's," the rabbit shouted.

"Well, then perhaps we should find out who's inside first. But we'll need some one to get a ladder and climb up to the chimney, then go down the chimney to see who's in there. Does that sound good?" the dodo bird suggested. 

"But we know is in there, it's a monster!" the rabbit exclaimed. 

"Yes, yes, but which one, Joe or Bob?" the dodo bird asked. 

Just then they heard a whistling, they turned to see Bill, an Irish lizard with a ladder. 

"Like I was saying we need a lizard with a ladder." The dodo bird yelled. 

"Did you say you needed a lizard with ladder, well that's me, lads." Bill said excitedly. 

"Good Bill, put the ladder up against the house," the dodo bird commanded. 

So Bill did just as he was told he put the ladder up against the house. 

"Now go up the ladder to the chimney" the dodo bird continued to direct Bill. 

"Yeah, what for?" Bill asked while climbing up the ladder.

"To see if the monster is Joe or Bob," The rabbit filled in Bill. 

"Monster, what monster?" Bill asked. 

And at moment Bill saw Alex inside the house through the window. 

"Actually my name is Alex and I'm stuck. Do you think you could help me?" Alex said to Bill. Bill let out a scream and started run.

"No, Bill we need you to go down the chimney!" the dodo bird yelled then pushed him down the chimney. 

"Oh, no you don't Bill! You'll take too much room!" Alex said, kicked with his right foot, and Bill went up, up, up. 

"There goes Bill." The dodo bird said. "Well then, to burn the house down." 

While they were outside plotting how to burn down the house, Alex sat inside, desperately trying to get free. 

"They can't burn down this house with me still in it!" he yelled. He looked around for something, anything that could help him. 

"Hey that bottle of whatever that is, wasn't there before." He squeezed, shoved, and pushed til' he got his right arm free from the window. Then picked up the little bottle." Perhaps if I drink this I'll shrink, like I did before. Or maybe I'll turn pink.... yuck, but at least I'll be able to get out of here." 

With those words he drank down the bottle of... whatever it was. 

"Hey I'm shrinking!" Alex said excitedly. 

But he kept shrinking, past his regular size. 

"Dude, I must be the size of like an ant or something," He said getting up and dusting himself off.

"I need a match." The dodo bird yelled, (or at least it sounded like he was yelling cause Alex was so small). 

Alex ran to the front door and went through one of the cracks. He walked across the yard, which seemed like miles. After a few hours of run/walking through what looked like the woods, Alex came to a flowerbed. There were many different types of flowers there. There were roses, daffodils, dandelions, tigerlillies, daisies, violets, tulips, and chrysanthemums. 

"Oh dude," Alex chirped, "flowers! I'm there! They're really pretty flowers, kinda boring though." 

"What did you expect us to sing for you for something?" Alex heard a strange voice say.

"Huh? Who said that?" he asked." 

I did" replied a tigerlillie. 

"But how are you talking? You don't have a face." Alex asked. 

"Well, a clock has a face and it doesn't talk and he has hands too but he doesn't clap now does he?" was the answer. 

"But that doesn't answer my question." 

"Then just pretend it does then." 

"Anyway," Alex sighed, "who are you?" 

"Excuse me," a dandelion retorted, "I think the question is who are you!? I should have your purple shirt for that ... what are you any way?" 

But before Alex could answer, a rose spoke up, "He's a weed!!!" 

"No," a violet disagreed. "Worse… He's a ...a guy!!!" 

"Oh no!" came a chorus of tulips. 

"But a very cute guy at that. I mean come on, just look at that face will ya! It's adorable! Why if I had hands I'd pinch those little cheeks!" a daffodil swooned. 

Alex blushed, "Aw, shucks girls. I don't know what to say, or who to believe more." 

Then all the flowers, except the daffodils, started yelling and spitting at him (which was quite odd since they didn't have any mouths). Alex started running really, really fast but didn't really get really far because... well no one really knows why so just forget about it. But he ended up on the other side of the garden. He stopped to look behind him. 

"Oh, good they're not following me...wait what am I saying, they're just flowers." Alex said to himself. "Well, if anything, at least I'm not at home singing that stupid song." 

He suddenly started coughing, there was smoke all around him now as he walked farther into the garden. "Where's all this smoke coming from?" he thought to himself. He looked above him only to see a long trail of smoke in the sky. He followed the smoky trail to a caterpillar smoking a pipe or something on a mushroom. 

"Excuse me, do you know where a sensible place is?" Alex asked trying to be polite but it wasn't working for him. 

The caterpillar gave him a long look, examining him, then asked, "Who are you?" 

"Who am I," Alex repeated, "well I am Alex, or at least I was, but now I'm a short purple thing, perhaps you might tell me what I am, who I am." 

"Look kid, I'm a caterpillar, got that? Just a freakin' caterpillar! I know nothing about who you are or even what the heck you are, little purple man. Why is every one asking me who they are, some chick just asked that same question, does it look like I would know?" the caterpillar fumed. And he had yelled so hard and so loud that the caterpillar blew up, or rather looked like he had because there was a loud noise and a giant cloud of smoke right when he disappeared. 

"Uh, oh." Alex gasped after the smoke had cleared to reveal the caterpillar missing. 

"Oh, I am so beautiful!" the caterpillar who was now a butterfly marveled. 

"Can you help me?" Alex asked. 

"Didn't we just go over this?" the butterfly asked. 

"No, now do you know how I can get back to my regular size?" Alex inquired. 

"The mushroom," the butterfly answered.

"What about the mushroom?" 

"The left side will make you smaller, which you seem not to want, and the right side will make you grow taller," the butterfly replied. 

"Thanks" Alex yelled as he watched the butterfly fly away. "So one side makes me taller and the other makes me smaller," he said pulling off a piece of each. "Well here it goes." He took a small bit out of the piece of mushroom he had gotten from the right side, and he grew just as the caterpillar said he would. "That looks like all 5 feet and 9 inches." He said to himself. "Oh how good it feels not to be so small, or so big for that matter." He looked around. "Hey, I'm on a path," he realized, "maybe this will lead me somewhere... Duh, of course it'll lead me somewhere," he shook his head. Alex started to follow the path, but soon became quite frustrated when he came to a fork in the road. "Now where to go?" he asked himself. 

"Where do you want to go is the question you should be asking yourself," a mysterious voice said. Alex looked around trying to find a figure to go with the voice, but found nothing, no one. "So where do you want to go?" the voice said again. Alex looked up to see a large orange tabby cat. 

"Adam?!" he said shocked, for it looked very much like someone he knew. "Well, actually I like to go by the name Cheshire Cat, you see it fits me better, don't you think? Well, as you can see I am a cat and I am..," the cat frowned a little. "Do you know what Cheshire means?" 

Alex shook his head. 

"Um, neither do I, but what ever it means I most certainly am that," he smile widely, amused with himself. 

"Yes, well, Cheshire cat, sir, which way do you think I should go?" Alex interrogated. 

"Like I said before, where do you want to go?" the cat repeated. 

"Yes, I heard you the first time, but I don't know where I want to go because I don't know what or who's around, or on which path I can find them." Alex protested. 

"Then I shall help you, the Mad Hatter is straight on..." 

"But I don't like mad people, I like happy people." Alex moaned. 

"Well you are stupid because that's not what I meant. But you see every one here is mad, I'm mad, you're mad, everyone." The cat laughed historically. 

"How do you know I'm mad? Actually I'm in quite a good mood on account of all that's happened so far." Alex asked. 

"Oh but you are wrong, dead wrong. You see if you where not mad you would not be here." The cat reassured him. 

"My stomach is growling, do you know where I might find something to eat?" Alex asked. 

"The Mad Hatter and the March Hare are probably having a tea party, but you don't like mad people so I'll just take my mad little self and leave," the cat said disappearing. 

"No, no come back cat." Alex cried out. 

"Well, then you'll just have to deal with mad people." The cat said from behind him. 

Alex turned around to see the cat lying down at the bottom of a tree with his legs crossed. 

"Hey can you do this?" the cat asked standing on his head." Can you stand on your head? Haha, booyeah grandma!" 

"Where is the Mad Hatter?" Alex asked getting a little impatient. 

"Look at me and my bad self!" the cat, yelled. 

"Where is the Mad Hatter?!" Alex screamed quite angry now. 

"Gees you are no fun. Straight down 'til you reach a large table with, well, ya know, tea party stuff on it." The cat grimaced. 

"Thanks " Alex said and he went on straight down the path.

Just as the Cheshire cat had said, there was a table with a man and a hare having tea. Alex ran down to the table, stopping a few feet in front of the table. 

"Hello, can I join you for tea?" Alex asked trying to be polite.

"No room, no room." The March Hare and the Mad Hatter yelled. 

"There's plenty of room," Alex said looking at the table, "there's only two of you and this table is set for at least twenty people." 

"So that's ten for me and ten Marchy," The mad Hatter replied. Alex rolled his eyes and sat down at the table next to the March hare. 

"Do you wear boxers or briefs?" the Mad Hatter asked. 

"Box...it shouldn't matter and personal remarks are very rude; you shouldn't say things like that." Alex informed the hatter. 

The Mad Hatter looked at him, shocked. "Personal remarks are rude?" 

"Um, hum." 

"Egad, you learn something new every day. Make a note of that, Marchy, it may come in handy later. Now let me tell you some thing. Why is a raven like a writing desk?" the Mad Hatter asked. 

"Why is a raven-" the March Hare was cut off by the Hatter's yelling. 

"I wasn't talking to you!" 

"Why not?" the March Hare began to pout, "Aren't I good enough?" 

The Mad Hatter sighed and said; "You've heard it before." 

"But you were looking at me when you said 'why is a raven –'" March was cut off again. 

"I'm talking to Alex!!!" the Mad Hatter screamed. 

"Well, you don't have to have a cow over it, Jason Hatter!" the March Hare huffed. 

"How dare you use my real name, Jennell Hare!" The Mad Hatter shot back

"How dare you use mine you insolent scalawag!" 

"How dare you call me a scalawag!" 

"It's all in the game, Hatty dear." 

"Yes, yes, quite. But anyway, if you'll pardon the expression. So, Alex, why is a raven like a writing desk?" the Mad Hatter asked.

"Well, um, they both starts with 'R's'? No writing starts with a 'w'. Um, I dunno. I give up. What's the answer?" Alex finally concluded. 

"Because that's how things were intended, you know. Some things are simply because they are. It's not that hard of a concept, gees. How dense can that purple little head of yours be?" the Mad Hatter remarked.

"Hey, what's up with all the rude comments, man?" Alex said angrily.

"They are only rude because you think they are. If you don't think they are, then they aren't. We don't think so, so in a matter of speaking, the remarks aren't really rude at all. Only in _your_ mind are they rude. You see what I'm saying?" The March Hare tried to explain.

"No," Alex answered, "I do not see because the Mad Hatter person is now covering my eyes with his hands." 

"Actually," the Mad Hatter began with a grin," these are not my hands at all. Mine broke after Marchy, here , sat on them after trying to put butter in my watch with a fork. So I took them in to get fixed but the stupid people at the repair shop lost them so I had to borrow a pair of Marchy's." 

Alex made a face and said, "Eww!" 

After a few minutes of complete and utter silence, the Mad Hatter let go of Alex's face. Alex gave him a dirty look.

"And you call us rude!" the Mad Hatter said.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Alex said.

"Have some tea! This is after all a tea party, you know." The March Hare offered.

"Why thank you, Mr. March Hare," Alex tried to sound polite but failed miserably.

"I'm not a mister! I'm a miss!" the March Hare said gruffly. "At least in this story anyway."

"What do you mean story?" Alex questioned. 

"Uh, nothing, nothing, Nothing at all," was the answer back, for the March Hare knew something the no one else did, and that includes me too, so I'm afraid I'm not able to tell you what it is.

"Would you like us to sing for you?" the Mad Hatter asked Alex.

"No, thank you. I don't want to reminded of singing," he replied.

"Why not?"

"Because I have to sing a stupid song today."

"Nothing can be that bad."

"You wanna bet?"

"Sure," said the Mad Hatter. "Twenty dollars."

"I have to sing 'Sometimes' by Brittany Spears," Alex said glumly.

"Oh, well that's different," the March Hare laughed, harder that she had ever laughed before.

"See! I told you it was retarded!" Alex said matter-a-faculty.

"No, " corrected the March Hare, "you said it was stupid, not retarded."

"Whatever."

"Oh, be quiet – you lout," the March Hare ordered.

"Don't tell me what to do and don't call me names either. Heck, I don't even know what a lout is!" Alex yelled.

"You don't? Well, neither do we."

"Yes," the Mad Hatter added. "We just like that way it sounds. It sounds wonderful, doesn't it?"

"Well, I suppose so," Alex half-heartedly agreed.

"Clean cups!" the Mad Hatter suddenly yelled. "Everybody move down, moove doowwnn." So they got up and ran down to the other side of the long rectangular table. The Mad Hatter and the March Hare left one seat between them so Alex sat there next to the odd pair.

"How did you guys meet, anyway?" Alex asked.

"Well, we don't remember exactly," the Mad Hatter said.

"But we both know that it was before we both went mad," the March Hare added.

"Yes, yes, we know that much."

"Well, I'd better get going now," Alex reported.

"Are you sure? What for?" the March Hare asked.

"Because I'm trying to find the pink rabbit."

"Oh, him," the Mad Hatter replied.

"Do you know him?" Alex asked excitedly.

" No." Came the answer.

"Oh, " Alex said pretty disappointed. "Well then, I guess I'll just leave now then."

"Okay, tootaloo Alex the Purple," the Mad Hatter bade farewell.

"Goodbye!" the March Hare joined in.

Alex could hear them babbling on and on about strange and bizarre things as he walked away.

"I just noticed that both of their initials are the same," he said to himself, "Both MH: Mad Hatter and March Hare. Or if you go by their 'real' names it's JH and JH, so it's the same either way." Alex rejoiced in his newfound pointless discovery that didn't really have anything to do with anything, so it really didn't matter anyway. As he walked along a newfound path he saw a sign. It read, "Lout: a person regarded as awkward or stupid."

"So, I'm a lout, huh?" Alex wondered. Alex walked along happily, that he had just what seemed like a little fun. He didn't know why but he enjoyed himself at the tea party.

"I'm still hungry, though," he thought. He walked along the path he was on until suddenly reaching a dead end. "Oh no, now what?" he said upset; his happy, jolly good mood had just ended. 

"No, no not now what, it's what now." A familiar voice said. He turned to find the Cheshire cat at the top of a tree. 

"Hello, again." Alex said happily. 

"What are you doing?" the cat asked. 

"I'm trying to figure out where to go. I've seen the Mad Hatter, now I all I want to do is find the pink rabbit." Alex told the cat. 

"Ha, ha, ha, ha." The cat laughed. "Why do you want to find him? He's just a stupid rabbit. Why not something fun and exciting." 

"Like what?" Alex interrogated. 

"Like visit the Queen." The cat suggested. 

"The queen?!" Alex asked. "I haven't seen or heard of any Queen." 

"Well, you have now." The cat reported. 

"Fine, where do I find this Queen?" Alex questioned. 

"Well, some like to go this way (the cat pointed to the left). And some like to go this way," he said, pointing to right, "But myself, I like to be original, do my own thing. It's actually a lot shorter." 

"So where's this short cut?" Alex asked. 

"Fortunately, I have it right here, wasn't that convenient?" the cat replied pointing to the tree trunk. 

"This is a tree" Alex informed. 

"I know that! I may be mad but I'm not stupid. Just watch carefully," the cat said. 

Alex looked down at the tree; there was a white door there now. 

"Oh, cool!" he exclaimed. 

"Yes, I do try." Cat said looking at his nails. 

"Thank you" Alex credited. 

"Good luck." The cat called out while disappearing. 

"I wonder why he said that Alex thought. "Well, here it goes," he said, walking inside. 

It was a large garden on the other side, with rose bushes. Alex turned and looked around. "Looks like some sort of maze." he said out loud. 

"It is a maze" a voice called out. 

Alex frowned and looked around. 

"Where's the voice coming from?" he thought. 

He ignored it and continued his walk 'til he came to an opening in the bushes on the sides of him. He walked in, only to find three cards painting some roses. Alex turned his head in confusion. 

"What are you doing?" he asked. 

"You see these roses?" number seven spoke up. 

"Yeah." Alex replied. 

"What color are they?" the card asked. 

"Looks like pink." 

"That's right, they're pink. But the queen wanted blue roses." 

"Blue roses?" Alex queried "There's no such thing." 

"Yes, but lets not tell the queen that, 'k?" number two said. 

"Why not?" Alex asked. 

The three cards took a single finger and motioned something that meant, "she'll cut your head off." And the look on his face signaled that he meant literally. 

"Oh, well that's not good. So do you guys have a guillotine or something?" Alex asked the confused looking card. "Well, anyway, so you're painting the roses so you don't loose your heads?" Alex questioned again.

The cards nodded. 

"Well then, I might as well help you since I don't have anything else to do; this could be fun, I guess." Alex picked up a paintbrush and started to paint. A few painted bushes later, when Alex heard a trumpet sound. 

"Oh no!" number five exclaimed. 

"What?" Alex asked. 

"The, the, the, the queen!" Number seven stammered. 

"The queen?" Alex said, "Is she cute?" 

"What!, is she cute? We don't usually think so when she is constantly yelling 'off with his head', or 'off with her head,'" Number two explained. 

"Besides, which one are you thinking of?" Number five questioned Alex. 

"Which one? Is there more than one?" Alex thought, confused. 

The cards suddenly went frantic; the music was getting closer. 

"Ahh!!!" the cards screamed in terror. 

"They're coming! We're all gonna die!!" 

Alex looked down the path and saw a long train of people. Somewhere near the front was a girl in a black leather mini skirt and a short white shirt. She was also wearing a crown so Alex assumed she was the Queen, er, one of them anyway. 

When the Queen saw Alex and the three cards she yelled "Halt!" 

The train of people and cards and other beings suddenly stopped, knocking each other over like a set of dominos. Alex looked behind him to see the 5,2, &7 bowing so he decided to bow too, just in case the queen decided to cut off his head if he wasn't. 

"And who is this?" the queen asked. 

"I'm Alex," Alex answered. 

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that," she answered. "Any way you may call me Queen Ashleigh of Hearts." 

Then, all of a sudden someone else came running up from the back of the line screaming, "No, no! Stop her, Stop her!! She's lying! She's not the queen! I'm the Queen!" 

Alex took a double take when he realized this queen was a guy...in a big pink frilly dress. 

"I am Queen Kyle of hearts!" the guy queen in the big pink frilly dress said. 

Alex cracked a smile, "Yeah, a drag queen maybe." 

" What did you say?!" Queen Kyle shrieked in a very high pitched voice. 

"Nothing, sir, er, ma'am, er, whatever," Alex fumbled. 

"Always say 'yes your majesty' and curtsy if you will, darling, it makes it look fancier to all my loyal subjects," Queen Kyle instructed. 

"Your subjects?!" Queen Ashleigh cried. "I am the real queen, so they are my subjects." 

"Don't listen to her, she's been taking too much aspirin lately so she gets a bit delirious at times. Just don't say chicken with a gun," Queen Kyle mouthed. 

Alex wasn't quite sure what the guy-queen-person had said, "Did you say chicken with a gun?" he asked.

Queen Kyle screamed "You said it! Now we're all doomed!" 

Queen Ashleigh started laughing so hard she fell down on the floor and started rolling around. "Now you've done it!" one of the royal card guards scolded Alex. 

From out of nowhere a big cloud appeared with a guy sitting on top of it eating Doritos and wearing a jeweled crown. Since he was wearing a crown and everyone, except Queen Ashleigh, was bowing, Alex assumed that this crown-wearing, Doritos-eating, cloud-sitting dude was the King. 

"What villainous fiend hath said the evil-magic words?" the King demanded in a loud booming voice. 

A royal card guard spoke up. "He did," he said pointing to Alex. "It's all his fault King Raymond." 

"Well that was great Einstein! How'd you manage that one?" King Raymond was very annoyed with Alex.

" I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, um, start Queen Ashleigh, doing whatever it is she's doing." Alex apologized.

"Sure you did you weird purple dude. Hey. Who are you anyways?" 

"I'm Alex. Why do you have two queens? Are you married to both?" 

"Unfortunately, I am to that one," he said pointing to Ashleigh with a nod." As for Queen Kyle and I, that's another story." 

"Oh, I see." 

"Yes, well anyway." 

Then Queen Kyle appeared behind King Raymond. "Well, at least now Ashleigh is occupied," Kyle smiled to show his pearly whites. 

"Hey!" King Raymond exclaimed. "No one is allowed on my cloud except for me! Not even the Queens! Now get off Kyle!" 

Kyle made a pouty face and hopped off the cloud. "You just don't want me around, that's the real reason, isn't it?" Kyle moped. "You just like Ashleigh better than me huh?!" 

King Raymond blushed. "No, that's not it at all, Kyle. I don't like her more than you-" He was cut off by Kyle screaming. 

"Yes!!" 

"But," Raymond continued, "I don't like you more than her. In fact, you both are kind of annoying right now so I just might take me, my bag of Doritos and Alex here, and go play mini golf without you and Ashleigh and lock you two up in a room together." 

Kyle screamed out at the sheer terror at the thought of being locked in a room with Queen Ashleigh. "Noooooooo!!!!! Please, Please Ray-ray, I'll do anything, ANYTHING!!! Just please don't lock me up in the same room with her!!" 

"Anything?" King Raymond asked. 

"Yes, yes, anything!" Kyle pleaded. 

"Will you be a good boy from now on?" King Raymond requested. 

"Oh yes, a very very good boy, Ray-ray. I promise! Cross my heart and hope to die, and if I break my promise I'll stick 1,000 needles in Ashleigh's eyes... I, I mean my eyes," Kyle promised. 

"Okay then Queen Kyle. I'll trust you. Good boy, good boy, get the snack!" King Raymond threw a Dorito in Kyle's direction and just as he was about to eat it, Queen Ashleigh zipped by and scarfed it down. 

"Hey! That was my Dorito!! Ray-ray gave it to me! You stupid booger-face!" 

Queen Ashleigh stuck her tongue out at Queen Kyle. "Well, finders keepers, losers weepers Drag-queen Kyle!" 

"Don't call me a drag-queen cuz I'm not one!" Queen Kyle yelled. 

"Well, you are a queen aren't you? And you are wearing a dress so therefore, you are a drag-queen. Isn't that right Ray-ray?" Queen Ashleigh looked in King Raymond's direction. 

"Hey!" Queen Kyle shouted. "Only I can call him Ray-ray! I came up with it!" 

"Oh well. You lose cuz I can call him whatever I want you barfing crusted jumbo jerk!" Queen Ashleigh said. 

"Ray-ray!" Queen Kyle whined. "She called me a barfing crusted jumbo jerk!! Tell her she can't call me names." 

King Raymond sighed and rolled his eyes. He looked over to Alex who was quite confused at the entire thing and severely weirded out by it. "You see what I have to put up with every single day, Alex?" Then, to Queen Ashleigh he said, "Don't call him names, my dear." 

Queen Ashleigh got all excited and started jumping up and down. "See, see! Did ya hear, did ya hear?! He called me dear!! I'm so special. You know he likes me better than you because he knows how much better I am than you, Drag-queen Kyle." 

Kyle made a face. "He's just saying that so you'll shut up but obviously its isn't working because you NEVER shut up, you stupid head!" 

"Off with your head, Drag-queen Kyle, off with your ugly bald head!!" Queen Ashleigh screamed. 

"I'm not bald!" Queen Kyle screamed. "I have hair, just look!" 

Alex was getting quite freaked out by now so he bowed to King Raymond and said, "If you don't mind, Your Majesty, I am going to leave now." 

"No, no no," King Raymond pleaded. "You can't leave me here alone with _them_. We were going to go mini golfing, don't you remember, Alex?" 

"Uh, no, I don't really remember but okay. Sure," Alex said. 

Apparently Queens Kyle and Ashleigh had overheard Alex and King Raymond's conversation because they both yelled in a very annoying high-pitched voice, "Do you play mini golf?!" 

Alex nodded, "Uh, y-yes," he was definitely scared of the weird queens now. 

"Come on then!" Queens Kyle and Ashleigh screamed in the same annoying high-pitched voice. 

So, Alex followed the crowd of people who followed the queens, who followed King Raymond, who was still sitting on his little cloud. All along the way Alex could hear the two freaky queens quarreling over "Ray-ray."

"Weird freaky people," Alex said to himself. "Man," he continued, "I talk to myself a lot." 

The long train of people traveled over land and sea and air and some old railroad tracks and farmland for miles and miles. Meanwhile, somewhere else in Wonderland, the birds were singing and the bees were humming and the flowers were blooming and all was well. But back to what is relevant to the story. Alex was getting quite tired and hungry so he picked a few aquamarine leaves off of a tree that said, "Eat me," and, of course, ate them. Since the leaves were aquamarine, Alex also turned aquamarine. He didn't know it until a royal card guard next to him screamed in terror and fainted because he had changed colors. Alex was shocked and a little sad because he had started to like being purple, but he figured, oh well. Beggars can't be choosers, even though he was very rich, but whatever. That's not the point. I'm not sure what the point is exactly but I know that that is not it. 

Anyway. Continuing the story... Sooner or later (I think it was later) they all arrived at a very bizarre looking mini golf course. It was really big in some places and really small in some places. 

Alex saw a sign and sauntered on over to read it. It read: "WONDERLAND MINIATURE GOLF: The object of the game is, as of yet, unknown. But, so far, the experts have figured out that it has something to do with a golf ball, golf clubs, eating and drinking, shrinking and growing, color-changing potions and snacks, holes in the ground, windmills (and other such objects), porcupines and storks. But these experts have yet to figure out what to do with all of these things. So, in the meantime, enjoy yourself trying to figure out what the heck to do and feeling like a complete and utter moron playing... WONDERLAND MINIATURE GOLF!! Good Luck, have fun, and do not feed the porcupines and storks or they will follow you around like those nasty wild lions and chimpanzees."

"Let's get ready to rumble!!!" Queen Ashleigh yelled, ripping off her black leather mini skirt to reveal a ballerina's tutu. Every one screamed in shock, but mostly just for dramatic effect. 

"Off with your heads you chick-flick lovin' freaks!" Suddenly Queen Kyle, now wearing a very revealing bikini and a bathrobe for who knows why, jumped up on top of King Raymond's cloud and said, "I, Queen Kyle of Hearts challenge thee, Ashleigh Queen of Hearts, to a duel of Wonderland Miniature Golf for who gets to keep Ray-ra... I mean King Raymond of Hearts! To the death!" Queen Kyle smiled evilly. 

"Oh no, not this again," King Raymond whined. 

Queen Ashleigh returned the evil smile to Queen Kyle and replied, "To the death!" 

Alex more than frightened now, walked over to King Raymond to talk to him. He figured he was probably the only normal or at least close to being normal person around. 

"What's going on?" Alex asked in confusion. "I thought no one in wonderland knew how to play this game?" 

"Yes, I know. And right you are; no one knows how to play this game. To them to the death is actually a quite literal statement. They are trying to kill each other using the land and equipment provided. See that?" King Raymond asked pointing to Ashleigh. "She's using the porcupines as a mace." 

They watched the two queens run about whacking each other with assorted objects and throwing storks at one another.

"This is ridiculous, " Alex said shaking his head. "I've never seen mini golf played so stupid; this has nothing to do with mini golf. I'm going with my first instincts and leaving." 

"What? No, please no!" King Raymond cried out, but Alex wasn't listening, "By order of the King Halt."

Alex rolled his eyes and hung his shoulders low. "No, no, I don't want to be here," he thought. 

Two card guards ran up to Alex and picked him up, carrying him back to the king. 

"What are you guys doing? I can walk ya know." 

"Excuse me Sir Alex, but I did not say you could go," King Raymond said as the cards dropped him. "Now did you say you knew how to play this game?" 

Alex sighed. "Yes," he said, being honest for once, which was odd since he knew what could happen if he said 'yes' but he said it anyways. And we all know he didn't want to stay any longer than necessary. 

" REALLY!!" The two Queens squealed. 

"Then you can be the royal coach. You teach them to play then we can play the game." King Raymond demanded. 

"Only if I can leave afterwards," Alex bargained with the King. 

"Agreed." 

"Well, then ladies, er, and Kyle, I guess you take this stork, and the porcupines and you go to the little black plastic ground thing. Then you put the porcupine and set it down on the plastic thing. Next you hit the Porcupine into the hole way over there with the stork. Got it?" Alex said, hurrying along so he could leave. 

"I don't get it, he went too fast." Ashleigh complained. 

"That's because you are stupid. I got every word. You take the hole hit it with the porcupine into the stork." Kyle boasted. 

"No, that's not what he said at all, he said hit the hole with the stork into the porcupine" Ashleigh disagreed. 

Suddenly the two got in a huge fight, quarreling who was right, who was not and what Alex had said.

"STOP IT! I said hit the porcupine with the stork into the hole." Alex yelled. 

"That's what I said!" Ashleigh said. 

"No that's what I said!" Kyle disagreed. 

Alex turned to look at the king with a 'help me' as the two queens got in another fight. 

"Let the game begin!" King Raymond yelled. 

The queens raced over to get a stork and a porcupine then started fighting who got to go first. 

"Ashleigh will go first, then Kyle." King Raymond announced. 

Ashleigh gave Kyle an evil look then proceeded to play. 

"I told you, you like Ashleigh better, Ray-ray." Kyle pouted. 

Raymond rolled his eyes. 

"What about Alex isn't he gonna play?" Ashleigh asked in a baby voice. 

"Oh please no!" Alex begged, mouthing the words so Ashleigh or Kyle wouldn't hear him. 

"Then I guess Alex will play!" Raymond announced, not seeing or hearing Alex. "Show them how it's done!" 

So they began an 18-hole game. By the time they had gotten to the seventh hole, the game, which had started well at least, was out of control. The storks had flown away, the porcupines out of sight and the queens yelling at each other again. 

"Stop this!" King Raymond hollered, 

"Who made up this fool game any ways?" 

"Why it was Alex, good King Raymond," one of the card guards informed. 

"ALEX!!" King Raymond said in his loud booming voice again. 

"He did it, he ruined the game of mini golf!" Ashleigh cried. 

Soon every one was yelling something against Alex, and then Raymond and his Queens started to chase him. And of course the rest of everyone followed their Royal leaders and started chasing Alex too. 

"Hey there what cha' doing?" Alex heard the Cheshire cat say. 

He looked up while running to see if he could find the cat. And lo and behold, there he was floating in the sky. 

"I'm running away from the King and Queens," Alex answered. 

"Are you sure you can out run them? They look like they are catching up to you," the cat reported. 

"Oh, don't worry I have Nikes," Alex reassured the cat. "I just wish I could be home right now, instead of running for my life." 

"But I thought this is what you wanted, I thought you didn't want to sing that stupid song," the cat said.

"Well any place is better than this," Alex answered. "Do you know how I can get home?" 

"Sure" 

"How?" 

Then everything went black. 

All Alex can remember was the cat hitting him with an apple but, I the narrator think that is stupid so we'll say he got hit with an orange instead. When he came to, Alex found himself under the willow tree where he had began his trip. 

"Hun?!" Alex asked shocked and confused. "I guess I fell asleep. Hey it was a stupid dream, just a dream!"

"Alex!" the maid called. 

Alex got up and ran to the house. His parents being scared to death of his absence, grounded him. But he still had to sing "Sometimes." Everyone loved his performance, and to his surprise there where people at the tea party who looked very much like the people/things he had seen in wonderland. Therefore, he was claimed mad for his historical reaction to seeing three people who had introduced themselves as Raymond, Ashleigh, and Kyle. I believe you can still find him at the St. Looney Psychiatric Hospital in Britain. 

And that is the tale of how one odd little boy/guy became an even weirder one.

THE END

Or is it?…


End file.
